September 13, 2012

Cruciform Love in Marriage

What passes for love today is usually nothing more than feelings of attraction or self-gratification. To know what love really is we need to look to the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

In his excellent book on marriage, What Did You ExpectPaul Tripp describes this as cruciform love--that is, love that shapes itself to the cross of Christ. Tripp defines this type of love as "willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving" (188). 

Tripp then unpacks this with about two dozen examples of what cruciform love looks like in a Christian marriage. This section is so powerful and convicting that I can only read a short bit at a time without stopping--sometimes to ponder, and sometimes to put the book down and act on it. In the book these descriptions are longer, but I think it is worth listing his points as insights for God to use to help us look at our hearts and actions.

  • Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the by the needs and struggles of your husband or wife without impatience or anger. 
  • Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
  • Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
  • Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to winning, accusing, or being right. 
  • Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer excuse or shift blame. 
  • Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your husband or wife is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient. 
  • Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good, 
  • Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support him as he carries it, or encourage him along the way.
  • Love means being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed on a strategy of response.
  • Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested. 
  • Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
  • Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse's character or assault his or her intelligence. 
  • Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-op your spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way. 
  • Love is being unwilling to ask your spouse to be the source of your identity, meaning and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of his or hers.
  • Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife. 
  • Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your marriage. 
  • Love is staying faithful to your commitment to treat your spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when he or she doesn't seem to deserve it or is unwilling to reciprocate. 
  • Love is never letting the failure of your spouse become a reason for changing the rules of the game.
  • Love is the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of your marriage without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your spouse in your debt.
  • Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
  • Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
  • Love is daily admitting to yourself, your spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God's protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.
  • Love is a specific commitment of the heart to a specific person that causes you to give yourself to a specific lifestyle of care that requires you to be willing to make sacrifices that have that person's good in view. 
Let me also add, love is reading this list and thinking about your own heart rather than the shortcomings of your wife or husband. As Christians, this is the kind of genuine love that we need to seek by God's power and grace.


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