The Authority Filter

The Bible teaches a relationship of headship between husbands and their own wives (Ephesians 5:22-24). Headship certainly carries the idea of authority, but it might not be the idea of authority that many people have in their minds. For this reason many people reject it and others abuse it.

For too many people, “authority” always means “authoritarian” or “domineering.” They have a hard time imagining any type of God-honoring, loving, sacrificing, humble, Christ-like leadership. Their concept of authority is polluted. But like polluted water, the answer is not to reject all water, but to filter it of impurities. We can do this by running our concept of authority through the “authority filters” of Ephesians 5:25-33 and 1 Peter 3:7:   

Ephesians 5:25-33, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

THE AUTHORITY FILTER: From your concept of authority, filter out anything that is not:              

• Christ-like. (Eph. 5:25-33)
• Loving.  Love as Christ loved the Church. (Eph. 5:25, 33)  Think about how high a calling this is!
• Sacrificing.  “And gave Himself up for her.”  (Eph. 5:25) 
• Serving. (Eph. 5:25-29)
• Sanctifying.  To make her pure and holy; to help her in her walk with God.  (vs. 26-27)
• Providing.  “Feeds and cares for it.” (Eph. 5:29)
• Nurturing.  “Feeds and cares for it.” (Eph. 5:29)
• Caring.  “Feeds and cares for it.” (Eph. 5:28-29)

1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

• Considerate.  “be considerate” (1 Pt. 3:7)
• Respectful.  “treat them with respect” (1 Pt. 3:7)
• Non-Diminishing.  “heirs with you of the gracious gift of life” (1 Pt. 3:7)

What remains after the filter is closer to the biblical understanding of Christ-like headship & authority. This is the type of leadership that husbands should provide for their wives and their families.

On Marriage and Gender

Recalibrating our Thinking on Marriage and Gender

Our society has lost a stable understanding of marriage and gender. Our collective understanding used to be informed by the biblical worldview and an understanding of creation's design and purposes. However, for most people that worldview has been replaced by arbitrary opinions that are the ever-changing concoctions of human invention. This will not end well for us.

Here are outlines and videos for three recent messages on marriage and gender that are especially relevant for the situation we find ourselves in today. Regardless of current laws, it is vitally important that we recalibrate our thinking on these issues from a biblical worldview. For the good of society and our families we need to be equipped to help others think clearly on these matters.

“[Jesus] answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?  So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'" -Matthew 19:4-6

Ways the World Gets Marriage Wrong - part 1

• The world thinks that marriage is a human invention.

• Marriage is a human institution given to us by God. It is not a human invention, so we are not free to change it however we wish. On the other hand, marriage was given by God to all humanity and that is why we recognize non-Christian marriages of a man and a woman as real marriages. 

• The world does not remember why marriage is between one man and one woman.

• The Biblical pattern for marriage is one man and one woman (Genesis 1-2). Jesus Himself affirmed this in Matthew 19:4-6.
• It is grounded in the design of this world. (1) There is a natural chain linking marriage --> sex --> conception --> raising children. The reason most people no longer understand marriage is because they have lost the awareness of this natural chain. (2) In addition, of all the possible combinations that we could consider for marriage, the combination of one man and one woman is the only combination that produces life. Therefore, the historical definition of marriage was the only one that was not arbitrary.
• Marriage is designed by God to picture the relationship between Christ and the Church. (Ephesians 5:22-33)

 

Ways the World Gets Marriage Wrong - part 2

• The world thinks marriage is just a contract, not a covenant.

• Marriage is not just a human contract. If marriage was just a human contract we could adjust the terms however we wanted. Instead, marriage is something sacred. Real marriage is something that God does. Jesus said, "what therefore God has joined together" (Matt. 19:6). 

• The world think marriage is primarily about the personal happiness and fulfillment of adults.

• Marriage used to be understood as that which unites a man and a woman and any children that might result from that union. The new idea of marriage is merely a public recognition of a romantic relationship of two adults. 

• The world forgets the purposes of marriage. 

• The public purposes of marriage: (1) for children: Marriage keeps moms and dads together so that children grow up being cared for by their own mother and father in an intact, stable family. (2) for women: Marriage protects women from men who would sexually take advantage of them and abandon them without taking responsibility for their children. (3) for men: Marriage  civilizes men and forces them to act responsibly. These purposes are good for any society and are not specifically Christian.  
• The biblical purposes of marriage: Biblical purposes of marriage include (1) the glory of God, (2) procreation, (3) the raising of children to love and serve the Lord, (4) God-pleasing intimacy--without the sin of fornication, (5) companionship between a man and a woman--cohabitation without scandal, (6) complementarity, (7) sanctification, (8) to picture the relationship between Christ and the Church.

    

Ways the World Gets Gender Wrong

• Many in the world assert that gender is a spectrum rather than two distinct categories.

• The Bible teaches that there are two distinct genders. (Genesis 1:27; Jesus' words in Matthew 19:4)
• Biology teaches that there are two distinct genders. Gender differences are rooted in our chromosomes. The presence of a Y chromosome indicates that a person is male and the absence of a Y chromosome indicates that a person is female. This is objective and true even for those with developmental or genetic anomalies.      

• Most of the world thinks one gender is better than the other.

• The Bible teaches that both men and women are created in the image of God, equal in dignity and worth.

• The world thinks there are no important differences between genders--and if there were that would be a bad thing. 

• The Bible teaches that men and women and different, and are so by God's good design.

• The world thinks we have autonomy over our gender.

• As sinners we crave to be our own law-makers. Instead, the Bible teaches that God is sovereign, not human beings. Our genders are given to us by God and are a matter of fact, not feelings. It is good to be a man, and it is good to be a woman. Embrace the gender of the body that God gave you. 

 

The Golden Rule Argument for Marriage

While driving today I was struck by an argument for the standard understanding of marriage as the union on one man and one woman—based on the Golden Rule. I believe it is succinct and compelling—if people are honest with themselves. Here it is:

The Golden Rule tells us to do unto others as we would have them do unto ourselves.

Ask yourself: Do you wish that you had been raised by your own father and mother who stayed together after they conceived you and then raised you in the context of a committed and loving relationship?

If you wish this for yourself then you should wish this for others as well. 

Therefore you should support the historic understanding of marriage as the lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and you should oppose anything that weakens, redefines, or devalues that understanding. 

If you were raised by your own mother and father who stayed together, loved each other, and loved you, then you are envied by many many people. My wife and I have worked with young people for fifteen years and have had many conversations with youth from all sorts of fractured families. Yes... young people have a way to roll with the punches, but across the board they would tell us that their deepest longing was the wish that their mom and dad had been able to stay together as a family. Some could only dream about this as a fairy-tail. 

Marriage is what keeps mom and dad together. We would do well as a society to treat the union of one man and one woman as something very special and sacred. Every single human being on this planet owes their existence to this one precise combination. This combination is the source of life. When a society values authentic marriage children have a better chance of being raised by mom and dad. 

Fifteen Things I Love About My Wife

Fifteen years ago today I somehow got a wonderful girl named Hope Bradbury to marry me. In tribute to her, here are fifteen of the many things I love about my wife…

• She loves me but she loves Jesus even more.
• She is a woman of incredible strength and character. Her priorities are straight. She is patient and forgiving, but with high expectations. She works hard at the things she does.
• She makes cute kids.
• She teaches my kids to love Jesus Christ—by word and example.
• She is an excellent photographer with an eye for capturing beauty. She has an eye for design. She makes our home beautiful—but I know she could do more if I had money to let her spend on a new couch.
• She actually let us use Throne Room from Star Wars as her processional in our wedding. How cool is that!
• Her life is about ministry. I love that she does ministry alongside me. She helps me see things I wouldn’t see. She is my best critic and coach. She is biblically sound and wise.
• She is excellent at mentoring younger women. She is an instrument of God's grace. 
• She isn't afraid to tell me what she is thinking. I never have to guess what I did wrong.
• I like talking with her. She gives me wisdom and makes me laugh.
• If she touches the back of my neck all the problems in the world instantly evaporate.
• She is as beautiful as the day we were married. She is beautiful without even trying.
• She uses the power of cuteness to get her way.
• She trusts God to plan our future.
• There was no one else I could have possibly married. She is everything I need and everything I could want. We fit.

Double Jesuses and Play-Doh

It must be difficult those pastors who want to support same-sex marriage and still use the Bible. This summer as I was preparing to perform a wedding it struck me how difficult it would be to explain a particular passage if I were an advocate of same-sex marriage. So for those who are pushing for the transformation of marriage and are at a loss to explain this passage in a modern and progressively acceptable way, I have some ideas to help. But first I need to describe the problem.

The couple I was going to marry (a guy and a girl) specifically asked me to preach on Ephesians 5:22-33 as the text for their wedding message. Read this passage and think of the conundrum this would be for a supporter of gay marriage. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (vs. 25). Wives are to submit to their husbands and “as the church submits to Christ” (vs. 24). Now, even if we leave aside the sticky issue of submission it still leaves a big problem. 'Husbands' and 'wives' are viewed as two distinct things that are not interchangeable. It describes marriage as corresponding to the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. And since there is only one Christ, and only one church—and since Christ and the church are not the same—this passage presents us with a very narrow-minded interpretation of what a marriage is supposed to be.

The problem gets worse as we read on. Paul explains:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

To start with, Paul quotes from Genesis 2:24—also quoted by Jesus (Mt. 19:5)—which describes marriage as being created by God, from the beginning, as the union of one man and one woman. Further, when Paul talks about this being a 'mystery' he is using a technical term meaning a ‘previously unrevealed truth.’ This means that God, from the beginning, created marriage to illustrate the relationship between Jesus Christ and something else. Thus, for many of today's politically correct pastors this passage would be considered hopelessly heterocentric. It would be hard for them to preach this passage to a progressive audience without giving the impression that Paul, Moses, and Jesus were all "on the wrong side of history."

If I were a pastor who wanted to promote same-sex marriage I would avoid passages like Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, and Ephesians 5:22-33 like the plague. But if you support same-sex marriage and you are pressed into a situation where you have to deal with Ephesians 5, here is my (less than serious) suggestion of what to do: Since there is no politically correct way to explain Ephesians 5:22-33 in a way that the authors of the Bible would have agreed with, you might as well rewrite the whole thing in a way that is much more same-sex friendly. Since Christ and the church are not the same thing, one of them has to be swapped out. So, to make a nice matching pair, just replace the church with another Jesus. After all, two are better than one. Now, you can explain that marriage is like the union of one Jesus with another matching Jesus. This is the perfect analogy for a same-sex marriage.

I also have a second great suggestion for today’s progressive wedding ceremony. In an old-style wedding, when the couple exchanges rings, the pastor will often make some comments about what the rings symbolize—being a circle symbolizes that marriage is unending, and being made of gold symbolizes that it is precious. Instead, have the wedding rings made out of Play-Doh. That way the pastor can talk about how the rings symbolize that we can twist and shape marriage into anything we want.

Cruciform Love in Marriage

What passes for love today is usually nothing more than feelings of attraction or self-gratification. To know what love really is we need to look to the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

In his excellent book on marriage, What Did You Expect? Paul Tripp describes this as cruciform love--that is, love that shapes itself to the cross of Christ. Tripp defines this type of love as "willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving" (188). 

Tripp then unpacks this with about two dozen examples of what cruciform love looks like in a Christian marriage. This section is so powerful and convicting that I can only read a short bit at a time without stopping--sometimes to ponder, and sometimes to put the book down and act on it. In the book these descriptions are longer, but I think it is worth listing his points as insights for God to use to help us look at our hearts and actions.

• Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the by the needs and struggles of your husband or wife without impatience or anger. 
• Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
• Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
• Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to winning, accusing, or being right. 
• Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer excuse or shift blame. 
• Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your husband or wife is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient. 
• Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good, 
• Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support him as he carries it, or encourage him along the way.
• Love means being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed on a strategy of response.
• Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested. 
• Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
• Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse's character or assault his or her intelligence. 
• Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-op your spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way. 
• Love is being unwilling to ask your spouse to be the source of your identity, meaning and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of his or hers.
• Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife. 
• Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your marriage. 
• Love is staying faithful to your commitment to treat your spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when he or she doesn't seem to deserve it or is unwilling to reciprocate. 
• Love is never letting the failure of your spouse become a reason for changing the rules of the game.
• Love is the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of your marriage without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your spouse in your debt.
• Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
• Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
• Love is daily admitting to yourself, your spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God's protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.
• Love is a specific commitment of the heart to a specific person that causes you to give yourself to a specific lifestyle of care that requires you to be willing to make sacrifices that have that person's good in view. 

Let me also add, love is reading this list and thinking about your own heart rather than the shortcomings of your wife or husband. As Christians, this is the kind of genuine love that we need to seek by God's power and grace.

A Long Time Ago...

Today is our twelfth wedding anniversary, and why yes, we did have Han Solo and Princess Leia on the top of our wedding cake.

Hope also agreed to walk down the aisle to the Throne Room March from the end of Star Wars: A New Hope.  Wow, I love her!