The Golden Rule Argument for Marriage

While driving today I was struck by an argument for the standard understanding of marriage as the union on one man and one woman—based on the Golden Rule. I believe it is succinct and compelling—if people are honest with themselves. Here it is:

The Golden Rule tells us to do unto others as we would have them do unto ourselves.

Ask yourself: Do you wish that you had been raised by your own father and mother who stayed together after they conceived you and then raised you in the context of a committed and loving relationship?

If you wish this for yourself then you should wish this for others as well. 

Therefore you should support the historic understanding of marriage as the lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and you should oppose anything that weakens, redefines, or devalues that understanding. 

If you were raised by your own mother and father who stayed together, loved each other, and loved you, then you are envied by many many people. My wife and I have worked with young people for fifteen years and have had many conversations with youth from all sorts of fractured families. Yes... young people have a way to roll with the punches, but across the board they would tell us that their deepest longing was the wish that their mom and dad had been able to stay together as a family. Some could only dream about this as a fairy-tail. 

Marriage is what keeps mom and dad together. We would do well as a society to treat the union of one man and one woman as something very special and sacred. Every single human being on this planet owes their existence to this one precise combination. This combination is the source of life. When a society values authentic marriage children have a better chance of being raised by mom and dad. 

Family Technology User Agreement

In the post Parenting in an Age of Technology I suggested using a Family Technology User Agreement when you entrust your son or daughter with a new piece of technology. This document will help them think of their new phone or computer as family technology rather than own private property, even if they are designated as the primary user.  Even more, this is a tool to talk about what it means to use technology in a healthy, God-honoring way. Here is a sample agreement I put together. Feel free to cut and paste and make whatever changes you think are appropriate.

Family Technology User Agreement

This is a user agreement for [name]                           regarding the use of [item of technology]                        .

Technology is created by God. It has many good uses and is not essentially evil. However technology has been perverted and abused by sinners. Therefore we must use disciplined discernment regarding how it is used. Like a rifle or a chainsaw, technology can be very useful but it can also be dangerous and harmful if it is not used carefully.

I realize that the use of this piece of technology is a privilege, not a right. I also realize that this is a piece of family technology, not my private property.  Even if I am designated the primary user of this piece of technology, I do not have complete authority over this device. I am not under the illusion that I have a right to complete and total privacy concerning how I use this device, especially concerning how I use the internet. I accept the truth that accountability and the authority of my parents is a good gift from God.

I realize that my parents have the desire that I will learn to use technology responsibly so that I will make good choices even when I am no longer under their roof. The more I show a long-term consistent track record of responsibility, the more my parents will be able to give me more trust and freedom. (Poor choices will decrease trust and freedom.) In the meantime, I realize that my parents have the responsibility to “trust but verify.”  I realize that I was born with a sin nature and I live in a culture that pushes me to make sinful choices. Accountability and precautions are always a good thing.

I also realize that there may be additional rules or guidelines that my parents will give concerning the use of this technology.

I agree to this user agreement as a condition for the privilege of using this piece of family technology.

Signature: __________________________________________  Date: ________

Download as a Word Document

Related:

Parenting in an Age of Technology

Five Potential Goals for Parenting

Teens and Technology

Parenting in an Age of Technology

The average age for a child to receive his or her first cell phone is now 11.6. If that seems young, consider that since this is an average, for every teen who is given a phone several years later than this, there is a child given a phone a few years younger than this.

Technology can be a helpful tool but it also confronts kids and parents with new challenges and dangers: easy access to pornography, online taunting, foolish sharing of information and pictures, constant texting and addiction. Technology also changes how we think, how we process information, and how we relate to people.

I recently taught a three-week class on the topic of parenting in an age of technology. I found that parents have deep concerns about these issues but feel unequipped about how to respond. Technology keeps changing. It is impossible to discuss every piece of technology and every issue, but there are a few foundational principles that can help parents to navigate these waters.

1. Parents need to ask themselves what their ultimate goal is for their kids. Everything else is going to be influenced by this. If the goal is merely to get peace and quiet, then it makes sense to throw a screen in front of a child a as babysitter or to give a him an iPad to keep him out of your hair.  If your goal is to have a trophy child, then you will be tempted to equip her with the best technological status symbols. If the goal is mere happiness, you will give your child whatever will make him happy. If your main concern is that your child likes you, it will be hard to enforce any rules that she may resent. On the other hand, if your ultimate desire is for your son or daughter to grow as a disciple of Jesus, then your decisions about the use of technology need to flow from that goal. [See my article: Five Potential Goals for Parents.]

2. Christian families need to think about technology from a Christian worldview. I recommend viewing the film by David Murray titled God’s Technology. In this well-produced video Murray walks parents through four Biblical principles, three possible responses, and a seven step training program for parents to use with their kids. The four Biblical principles are that (1) technology is created by God, (2) technology is not essentially sinful, (3) technology has many good uses, but (4) technology has been perverted and abused by sinners. With these balanced principles in mind, our response should be neither an enthusiastic embrace of all technology, which is foolish, nor a strict separation from technology, which is impossible—even though it is sometimes tempting to go live in a cave.  Instead, we need to cultivate what Murray calls “disciplined discernment.” [See my article: Teens and Technology for some talking points.]

3. Think of technology like a rifle. Like a rifle or a chainsaw, technology is a tool that can be useful but can also cause great harm. Parents need to know how technology works and what the potential dangers are before giving it to their kids. For example, parents need to realize that teens can access the internet with an iPod touch or most mobile game systems. Remember that technology is constantly changing and you need to keep up. Sites like CovenentEyes.com (and their blog) & GetNetWise.org can be a great help. It is essential to train your kids before giving them each new tool. Teach them how to use it safely. Would you give your kid a rifle without a safety class?

4. Discuss what is appropriate and inappropriate. Ask your kids to tell you specific examples of ways that technology can be misused. For example, ask them what things they have seen other teens post that they think are a bad idea. By asking for examples you are helping your son or daughter develop discernment. It also helps you see what standards they have or don’t have. Your child isn’t going to think of everything, so be prepared to give your own examples as well. For example, ask your daughter, “Do you think it is good when other girls post bikini pictures to facebook? Why not?”

5. Use a two-fold approach: HEART and HARDWARE. You can’t control your kids with filters and firewalls alone. They can always find a way. Parents need to target the hearts of their children rather than merely relying on hardware and software to do the job for them. As a parent, your goal isn’t just to keep your kids safe now, but to prepare them for eventual release into the world. If your filters were the only thing keeping them out of moral sewage, they will plunge themselves into it the moment they are no longer under your roof. The heart is the real target for discipleship anyway—our loves and desires define who we are. On the other hand, don’t fail to take advantage of help such as filters and parental controls. Blind trust is foolishness on the part of parents. Even the most moral of teens are still sinners with the potential to do very bad things. Wise parents will apply Ronald Reagan’s words, “Trust but verify.” A consistent track record of responsibility leads to greater trust and freedom.

6. Combat unhealthy modern views of privacy. Young people are growing up with a very strange view of privacy. It is an infringement on their right to privacy if mom or dad checks on their internet history, but on the other hand they will share personal and inappropriate information with the entire internet. Today’s ethos of privacy has us hidden from the people we should be open to, and open and exposed to those we shouldn’t be. Instead, young people need to realize that accountability is a good thing. Sin loves secrecy. I recommend using Covenant Eyes on internet devices, especially with teenage boys. Also, start getting your kids to think of any technology entrusted to them as “family technology” rather than private property. Explain to them what it is like in the adult world when a company gives their employee technology to use. The employee usually does not have a right to complete privacy concerning how the technology is used. In the same way, give your kids technology with the understanding that even if they are the primary user it is not their private property. Also consider having them sign a “User Agreement” before giving the technology to them. [Click here for one you can use.]

In some ways, we face challenges unlike any other generation. On the other hand, there is nothing new under the sun. Past generations had to figure out how to handle the introduction of the telephone and the automobile. Every generation from this time forward will be faced with technological game-changers. We need to learn to adapt while we keep our eyes on that which does not change.

Related:
Five Potential Goals for Parenting

Teens and Technology
Family Technology User Agreement

Five Possible Goals for Parenting

Every decision parents make concerning their children is going to depend on the ultimate goal they have for them. It doesn’t matter if you’re thinking about the use of technology, or discipline, or whether to encourage your kids to join the school’s ping pong team—every strategy depends on what the goal is.

I’m going to give you five possible goals for parenting. Four of these goals are common, but not great.

False Goal 1: Ease.

There are times when the only thing we care about is how to get a moment of peace and quiet. Sometimes this is understandable, but many times parents make momentary decisions with bad long-term consequences just to keep the kids out of their hair. Having kids is a lot of headache and hardship. Parents with this goal want to get through the process of raising kids with as little difficulty as possible. Convenience is king.

In some cases, parents with this goal see their kids as a burden and as an obstacle in the way of what they really want to do. Parents with this goal will always gravitate toward the easiest acceptable option.

False Goal #2: Trophy

Many parents raise their kids to be their trophy. Some parents want their kids to excel at sports so that they can relive their glory days through them—or live out the glory days they never had. Sports is one example, but there are many others. Parents want their kids to be popular because this makes them look good. Popular kids have popular parents. It doesn’t feel as good to be the parent of rejects. Another trophy is success. A child who grows up to become a doctor or a corporate executive makes a nice trophy for their friends to see.

Some Christians want their kids to be “good Christians” because that is the kind of shinny trophy their peers admire. Parents with this goal want their kids to be good in order to protect the family image. When their children sin, their first thought is, “How is this going to make us look?”

False Goal #3: Happiness

These parents want to shield their children from any type of unhappiness, pain, frustration or disappointment. They can’t bear to see them go through that. They want to see their kids smiling and they will do whatever that takes with little thought to the fact that difficulties build character and constant appeasement leads to spoiled greed and a soft child.

You'll hear these parents talk about their offspring and use the phrase, “At least he’s happy.” This is a give-away that happiness was their goal for them. No matter what else, as long as they are "happy" everything else is fine. Did you ever notice how often this statement is attached to awful life-decisions? She grew up to become porn star and he’s a mafia hit man, but “at least their happy.”

Now, in one sense there is truth to this goal. If your ultimate goal for your child is that he or she would find ultimate happiness by delighting in God—then there is no greater goal. If that is what you mean by happiness, you can find peace even when your child goes through hard times if the experience will bring him closer to God. The miseries of this life do not compare to the unspeakable lasting joy that will follow. Unfortunately, this usually isn’t what people mean. Usually parents settle for the shallow and fleeting version of happiness that this world has to offer.

False Goal #4: Friend

The picture depicted to the right isn’t the image that these parents have in their heads. They see themselves and their kids as BFFs. Moms picture themselves and their daughter going shopping together, hanging out and being mistaken for sisters. Dads imagine themselves just kicking back and popping a beer with their boy. For others, their satisfaction comes from knowing how well-pleased their kids are with them. They daydream about their kids singing their praise with hearts full of love and admiration for their beloved mother or father—perhaps a statue is in order.

In reality, the picture is more like the one shown above. These parents are absolutely dependent on the approval of their children. They want their kids to be happy with them. These parents desperately need to be liked by their kids. Therefore, who is in control? The kids of these parents have tremendous power over their parents. They can withhold their approval like withholding oxygen.

Some parents refuse to be an authority figure over their child because they would rather be a buddy than a real parent. They forget that having a good relationship isn’t the same thing as being a peer to their child. We all desire a good relationship with our children, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of what is really best for them. 

Goal #5: The True Goal – Disciple

The real goal, the ultimate goal for Christian parents is to raise children who become authentic growing disciples of Jesus Christ. Our goal is for our children to glorify God by treasuring Christ. We want them to treasure Christ as their Prophet, Priest and King. Their changed life will flow from this as they glorify God in their hearts.

Our goal for our children should be the same goal that Paul prayed for believers in Colossians 1:9-14:

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Spend time dissecting this passage and thinking about the specific things Paul is praying for. Pray for those same things for your children. Make your parenting decisions while asking yourself what is the best strategy for reaching these goals.

There is a grain of truth in each of the false goals. At times, and in the right way, they can be appropriate as long as the true goal always stays higher. For example: There are times when we need quiet. We want our children to be our legacy, in a good sense. We want our kids to have true happiness. And we want a healthy relationship with our kids. However, it is easy for us to justify these goals while they mutate out of control. Some parents are completely sold out to one of these false goals. For all of us, they are always a temptation that we will fall into from time to time.

Most Christians will probably assume that their goal is for their children to be disciples of Jesus, but here is the test: What happens when two of these goals are in conflict? What happens when you are forced to choose between two? What happens when raising your child as a growing disciple is inconvenient? What happens when this goal might endanger the shininess of your trophy in some people's eyes? What happens when living for Christ will put your child through intense pain and heart-ache? What happens when raising your kid the right way makes him or her furious with you?

Which goal gives way? When we can’t have both we see what goal is really on top.


See also:
Parenting in an Age of Technology
A God-Centered Philosophy of Discipleship